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All Davo Swans: the backs

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As we approach the end of the season it's time to start to reflect on who makes the All Davo Swans for 2010. We'll start with the backline.

In any footy team the backs play an important role, their duties include;
  • Getting the footys back from the crowd and kicking them to the forwards- if they didn't do that the forwards wouldn't get as many opportunities to scan the crowd for ladies, this has ongoing implications for the rest of the game; how is a forward to know where to lead if he doesn't know where the ladies are?
  • Making sure not to get between the forwards and the video cameras- not enough can be said about just how important this is.
  • Diverting the attention of at least one of the assistant coaches (and hopefully the head coach!) from the forwards.
  • Being thrown into the forward line in case of emergency, such as the wind reaching some sort of obscene gale that threatens to make a dent in the forward's accuracy stats. Note- this does not make the back a forward, unless of course they drop all defensive instincts; in this regard, clearly Mr Malceski has been auditioning for the role of forward whilst playing back (admirable to say the least).

Nick Malceski, overall rating: 36
Skills: 9
Footy IQ: 8
Flair: 8
Oil: 6
Guns: 4
Lady Luck: 7
Teacher's Pet: 6
Review: Nick's had a great year of showcasing his almost-Davo-level (almost!) kicking skills. He's done a great job on his handball receives:hardball gets ratio as well, which makes a Davo fan happy. His lack of great defensive talent must infuriate the coaches from time to time, which helps with his teacher's pet rating, however he has shown a late season propensity for putting his body on the line that would please the coaches, which is a little dissapointing. Mal earnt himself inclusion in the All-Australian 40 man squad this year, which gives him not only media glory but another story to tell the ladies- great stuff Nick!

Martin Mattner, overall rating: 32
Skills: 7
Footy IQ: 6
Flair: 9
Oil: 5
Guns: 7
Lady Luck: 6
Teacher's Pet: 8
Review: If something's worth doing, it's worth doing in the most complicated possible way is Marty Mattner's Mantra (MMM). MMM teaches one to always run to one's left, despite actually being able to actually kick rather well on one's right. MMM teaches that the only path faster than running in a straight line to get from A to B is running in a straight line as a whirling dervish. MMM teaches that when kicking the ball in it is better to kick to oneself, run for 1 metre before being pressured by the man standing the mark and thumping it 45 metres to a pack rather than simply kicking it 50 metres from the safety of the goal square. MMM also teaches Nickelback is worthy of airplay, so it's not something to put too much blind faith in. Good season Marty, your complete display of onfield insanity and confusion almost makes up for your dissapointing desire to put your head over the ball.

Ed Barlow, overall rating: 30
Skills: 8
Footy IQ: 6
Flair: 7
Oil: 3
Guns: 4
Lady Luck: 4
Teacher's Pet: 2
Review: How do you solve a problem like Maria? Well if it's because Maria's not getting a kick, you play big Ed on her- that'll sort that problem out nicely. A fantastic season by Ed overall, his Teacher's Pet rating speaks for itself. Word around Moore Park is that Roosy has changed to just a straight forward ham and tomato toasted sandwich for elevenses, discarding the additional ingredient due to its association with Ed. With a change of head coach next year Ed should turn things around; Bluey McKenna is chomping at the bit to get his hands on Ed to prove he can turn him into an elite footballer, Ed's chomping at the bit to get his hands on Bluey to beg him not to have to go back and live in Bega. Ed makes the team at Full Back, primarily because Ed playing in the last key defensive post would naturally lead to positive reflection of Davo's defensive skills.

Tadhg Kennelly, overall rating: 30
Skills: 8
Footy IQ: 7
Flair: 8
Oil: 5
Guns: 5
Lady Luck: 7
Teacher's Pet: 10
Review: Tadhg's very lucky to have made it in the squad considering his offensive relationship with the coaching staff.Fortunately whilst Tadhg owes a lot to Roosy, he doesn't owe always thinking on the field. When Tadhg is thinking there's a 73.4% (tracked by those little units on their back) propensity for acute cerebral flatulence, a malady most frequently occuring in backmen which impacts on his overall ability to have ever been a forward (job safety for forwards- TICK), gives forwards an opening line to use on ladies of "did you see what that crazy Irishman did?" (Forward Lady Luck Assistance- TICK), takes the negative focus of coaching staff away from forwards (focus away from forwards- CROSS, coaching staff focus away forwards- TICK, coaching staff negative focus away from forwards- DOUBLE TICK). Tadhg's previously solid Lady Luck score has taken a hit this season following his time back in the Emerald Isle, with his hair follicles being mistaken for snakes by St Patrick at Galway International Customs (not in those shoes snakeys, to be sure to be sure).

Heath Grundy, overall rating: 30
Skills: 7
Footy IQ: 6
Flair: 6
Oil: 6
Guns: 6
Lady Luck: 6
Teacher's Pet: 7
Review: Nothing has really stood out about Heath this year, but usually a back not standing out is good for forwards as it affords the forward more time in the spotlight. Heath has gone out and done what the coaching staff have asked him every week, which has resulted in an unfortunate Teacher's Pet score however he has combined this with a healthy desire to run forward with the ball instead of chipping it backwards- thus breaking the Swans gameplan and infuriating the coaches; more of that next year, Heath! Overall an excellent all around season, and Heath can feel dissapointed at being inexplicably shunned for inclusion in the AA squad; this is much like Davo, who had an excellent season every season yet every season found himself feeling dissapointed at being inexplicably shunned (in his opinion) for the AA squad.

Nick Smith, overall rating: 29
Skills: 7
Footy IQ: 9
Flair: 4
Oil: 4
Guns: 4
Lady Luck: 9
Teacher's Pet: 8
Review: Nick Smith's Lady Luck rating nearly saw him removed from consideration, purely because he introduced too much of a threat to Davo at the bar. After careful consideration it came back to one thing, the thing it always comes back to me; one guy can tell a story about how he kicked 4 goals in the final quarter of a final to get his team over the line, the other guy can't. Nick's Footy IQ is staggering, and he receives a well-deserved healthy score out for it- at the ground it's common to hear your regular football fan call "Pardon me, Mr Smith- but I do believe you are the very incarnation of Edward De Bono out there, outrageously more handsome than Mr De Bono of course, but De Bono nontheless. I am refering to your thinking, Mr Smith- your thinking Mr Smith is much like that of De Bono, yes it certainly is." which of course must be a lift for Nick as he runs past. The comparisons with Nick's Footy IQ and De Bono are sound, however he appears to at times be a tad too hung up on lateral thinking, resulting in chipping the ball across the ground instead of moving it forward (which of course meets the team plan and earns him more praise from the coaching staff). Goes out and does the job he's been set every week in a no fuss manner, something he'll hopefully grow out of.

The All Davo Swans team so far;
HB: Nick Malceski, Heath Grundy, Tadhg Kennelly
FB: Nick Smith, Ed Barlow, Martin Mattner

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Updated 9th September 2010 at 09:57 AM by stellation

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  1. ugg's Avatar
    I see it but I don't believe it.
  2. ScottH's Avatar
    Seems to be too much love for Big Ed!!
    We've missed you Davo.
  3. Lucky Knickers's Avatar
    How could this have missed my Davo filter! Genius Stello. Smooch is > Ed De Bono!
    These little lights need to get out from under the bushel.
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