SWANSBEST
7th August 2003, 06:42 AM
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PATRICK SMITH
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Time for goal umpires to rally around
August 07, 2003
SYDNEY coach Paul Roos thinks AFL goal umpires should be fully professional. I asked veteran goal umpire Funky De Witt to chronicle a week in the life of a full-time goal umpire.
Monday 5:30am: Decide to walk to the Umpire University of Higher Learning to retain focus. Arrive at 5.32am. I live on the campus.
7am: Killed two hours by sleeping on grass. Woken up when trampled on by boundary umpires practising their backwards running.
7.15am: Umpire chief Jeff Gieschen reviews video of our games. Mine was okay, but Giesch thinks when running towards field umpire for all-clear, I should pump my arms more. And use higher knee action. Says we need to look like high jumpers running to the bar.
8am: Golf at Royal Melbourne.
2pm: Back to the grind. Giesch is hot on physical fitness. Orders us to do 20 laps of the goal square. Stewie threw up as usual and Brett collapsed through dizziness.
3pm-6pm: Flag-waving practice.
8pm: Group of us visit Greg in hospital. He is the oldest of the umpires and has just had his fourth shoulder replacement. He has had six new elbows. We call him the Tin Man. Giesch loves him. Says the Tin Man was always first to flag-waving practice and the last to leave. The Tin Man waves us goodbye. Requires fifth shoulder operation.
9pm: Free time. A group of the guys go to church. I decide to practise my running at the field umpire for the all-clear. Ran into large oak tree. It was pretty dark.
Tuesday 5.31am: Slept in.
6.10am: Set trip wire for boundary umpires. Stuff them.
7.15am: More videos. Debbie Does Dallas the pick of them.
9am: Golf at The National.
3pm: Giesch is big on technique. Has called in a guru on human movement. Dr Con Tortionist says we need to have index fingers wrapped around flag stick and intertwined with thumbs. Human movement guru demonstrates new grip and snaps fingers off at the first knuckle on both hands as he raises flags. Dr Tortionist left in great pain. Giesch says it is up to us if we want to use the new technique. All agree it is a good idea.
4pm-6pm: Flag waving practice. Fleet of ambulances arrive just after 4.15pm.
7pm: Dinner then free time. Group of us grab takeaway and pain killers.
Wednesday: Day off.
Thursday: Set alarm for 5.29am. Felt guilty about sleeping in on Tuesday.
7am: Board bus for golf at The Dunes.
Noon: Lunch at Rubira's in Sorrento. Oysters fantastic.
2pm: Tackle another 18 holes at Moonah Links. Asked to leave after 13 holes. Webster pinched the flags from the 10th and 11th greens and started signalling goals as members putts went in. No sense of humour.
8pm: Return to university. Absolutely knackered.
Friday: 5am: Up early to practise putting flags into their holders. Only miss five times in three hours. My PB is two. I was in the zone that day.
9am: Hairdressers arrive to trim our moustaches. A bit of gossip among the group about Paul. Couple of the guys reckon he is riffing with the flags. Putting in an extra twirl at the top of the wave. He is up himself a bit. Has The Stickman embroidered on his flags. It is the sort of thing Giesch tries to discourage. Goal umpiring is a team game.
11am: Golf at Kingston Heath.
3pm: ASDA arrives in force for drug tests. Scandal when one of the umpire's samples comes in clean. He is drummed out of the uni immediately. Sam Newman's right. You can't do this job unless you are on drugs.
4pm: Spend one hour looking directly up goal post. Usual drill. Pat the chest, pat the goalpost, signal point, signal goal. Giesch roars at Nigel after he got the sequence wrong. He patted the goalpost before he patted his chest. Nigel is the Tin Man's best mate. Struggling with his concentration after Tin Man's fifth shoulder replacement didn't take. The doctors gave up and just sewed his tin elbow into his tin armpit. After the operation the Tin Man told Giesch could he still wave points at least. He died three hours later of tin poisoning.
5pm: This is the best part of the week. Every goalie has to signal 20 goals. The bloke who does it in the fastest time gets to select the golf courses for the next week. The Stickman has won the last eight and this evening rattles off 20 goals in just under 15 seconds. Wins again and it's in record time. But Giesch is a bit suspicious and checks The Stickman's flag sticks. Unbelievable. They have been corked! The Stickman says he had no idea. Claims he thought they were his practice ones. Giesch disqualifies him. Very embarrassing.
6pm: Giesch takes me aside and says I haven't got a gig on the weekend. I'm disappointed but not devastated. I hadn't felt the buzz for a long time now. Hadn't felt the adrenalin rush. I told Giesch I was going to quit. "I've lost my love for golf," I told him. He asked me what I would miss most. The camaraderie? The big crowds? The money? No, the oysters.
http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5744,6875680%255E12270,00.html
PATRICK SMITH
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Time for goal umpires to rally around
August 07, 2003
SYDNEY coach Paul Roos thinks AFL goal umpires should be fully professional. I asked veteran goal umpire Funky De Witt to chronicle a week in the life of a full-time goal umpire.
Monday 5:30am: Decide to walk to the Umpire University of Higher Learning to retain focus. Arrive at 5.32am. I live on the campus.
7am: Killed two hours by sleeping on grass. Woken up when trampled on by boundary umpires practising their backwards running.
7.15am: Umpire chief Jeff Gieschen reviews video of our games. Mine was okay, but Giesch thinks when running towards field umpire for all-clear, I should pump my arms more. And use higher knee action. Says we need to look like high jumpers running to the bar.
8am: Golf at Royal Melbourne.
2pm: Back to the grind. Giesch is hot on physical fitness. Orders us to do 20 laps of the goal square. Stewie threw up as usual and Brett collapsed through dizziness.
3pm-6pm: Flag-waving practice.
8pm: Group of us visit Greg in hospital. He is the oldest of the umpires and has just had his fourth shoulder replacement. He has had six new elbows. We call him the Tin Man. Giesch loves him. Says the Tin Man was always first to flag-waving practice and the last to leave. The Tin Man waves us goodbye. Requires fifth shoulder operation.
9pm: Free time. A group of the guys go to church. I decide to practise my running at the field umpire for the all-clear. Ran into large oak tree. It was pretty dark.
Tuesday 5.31am: Slept in.
6.10am: Set trip wire for boundary umpires. Stuff them.
7.15am: More videos. Debbie Does Dallas the pick of them.
9am: Golf at The National.
3pm: Giesch is big on technique. Has called in a guru on human movement. Dr Con Tortionist says we need to have index fingers wrapped around flag stick and intertwined with thumbs. Human movement guru demonstrates new grip and snaps fingers off at the first knuckle on both hands as he raises flags. Dr Tortionist left in great pain. Giesch says it is up to us if we want to use the new technique. All agree it is a good idea.
4pm-6pm: Flag waving practice. Fleet of ambulances arrive just after 4.15pm.
7pm: Dinner then free time. Group of us grab takeaway and pain killers.
Wednesday: Day off.
Thursday: Set alarm for 5.29am. Felt guilty about sleeping in on Tuesday.
7am: Board bus for golf at The Dunes.
Noon: Lunch at Rubira's in Sorrento. Oysters fantastic.
2pm: Tackle another 18 holes at Moonah Links. Asked to leave after 13 holes. Webster pinched the flags from the 10th and 11th greens and started signalling goals as members putts went in. No sense of humour.
8pm: Return to university. Absolutely knackered.
Friday: 5am: Up early to practise putting flags into their holders. Only miss five times in three hours. My PB is two. I was in the zone that day.
9am: Hairdressers arrive to trim our moustaches. A bit of gossip among the group about Paul. Couple of the guys reckon he is riffing with the flags. Putting in an extra twirl at the top of the wave. He is up himself a bit. Has The Stickman embroidered on his flags. It is the sort of thing Giesch tries to discourage. Goal umpiring is a team game.
11am: Golf at Kingston Heath.
3pm: ASDA arrives in force for drug tests. Scandal when one of the umpire's samples comes in clean. He is drummed out of the uni immediately. Sam Newman's right. You can't do this job unless you are on drugs.
4pm: Spend one hour looking directly up goal post. Usual drill. Pat the chest, pat the goalpost, signal point, signal goal. Giesch roars at Nigel after he got the sequence wrong. He patted the goalpost before he patted his chest. Nigel is the Tin Man's best mate. Struggling with his concentration after Tin Man's fifth shoulder replacement didn't take. The doctors gave up and just sewed his tin elbow into his tin armpit. After the operation the Tin Man told Giesch could he still wave points at least. He died three hours later of tin poisoning.
5pm: This is the best part of the week. Every goalie has to signal 20 goals. The bloke who does it in the fastest time gets to select the golf courses for the next week. The Stickman has won the last eight and this evening rattles off 20 goals in just under 15 seconds. Wins again and it's in record time. But Giesch is a bit suspicious and checks The Stickman's flag sticks. Unbelievable. They have been corked! The Stickman says he had no idea. Claims he thought they were his practice ones. Giesch disqualifies him. Very embarrassing.
6pm: Giesch takes me aside and says I haven't got a gig on the weekend. I'm disappointed but not devastated. I hadn't felt the buzz for a long time now. Hadn't felt the adrenalin rush. I told Giesch I was going to quit. "I've lost my love for golf," I told him. He asked me what I would miss most. The camaraderie? The big crowds? The money? No, the oysters.
http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,5744,6875680%255E12270,00.html